The Epitome of Elegance
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The Epitome of Elegance
from the Things Men Have Said To Me Instead Of Hello collection
Acrylic paint, vintage jewellery, plastic & glass beads, freshwater pearls, and acrylic resin on vintage canvas, framed in gilded wood.
Things Men Have Said To Me Instead Of Hello
I go into detail about what this collection is all about on the collection overview page, but if you haven’t seen that you can read the description in the accordion below - click the + sign.
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If you have spent any time in my company over the last six to eight months, you will have heard me talk about my latest collection, Things Men Have Said To Me Instead Of Hello.
The collection comprises 10 pieces inspired by things actual men said to me instead of hello during a period of online dating in my mid-thirties. I took screenshots of the most heinous, graphic, and creepy openers and, although at the time I wasn’t sure what I was saving them for, the idea for this collection arrived a few years later.
The purpose of bringing these ‘greetings’ (if you can call them that) into the light is not to demonise men, and paint them as predatory monsters in contrast to the delicate saintliness of women eyeroll. It’s to open the floor for discussions about the patriarchal waters we are all swimming in, perpetuate, and, to a greater or lesser degree, are complicit in.
I want to provoke discussions about rape culture, the male gaze, beauty standards etc etc, and explore all the ways in which we all benefit or are hindered by the status quo. Most importantly, I want you to join me in the horrified realisation of how NORMAL we’ve made all of these things.
When I’ve told people about this collection, the responses from women and men are vastly different. The women know immediately what I’m referring to, and usually respond with some related (horror) story, delivered in the blasé manner of someone who has been dealing with this shit her whole life (because she has).
The men on the other hand, range from absolutely horrified, to knowing stuff like this happens but only in an abstract kinda way, to (on one memorable occasion) asking me if any of the ‘Men’ I’m referring to have ever mentioned my “great tits” - I kid you not.
I’m not going to go into all of the ways that the patriarchy is a problem for men as much as it is a problem for women (and I’m aware that I’m leaning into the gender binary here for simplicity’s sake, but really it’s a problem for ALL of us), but suffice to say that we can’t make things better unless we can see, identify, and name the problem.
This collection is my contribution to bringing these open secrets into the light.
The Epitome of Elegance
This is a piece to divide a room. On the one hand you have the innocents, who see the words on this piece and think, “That’s not so bad, is it? I mean, a bit odd, and weirdly specific, but ultimately he’s just giving you a compliment about jewellery.”
And then on the other hand, you have those of darker experience. Those who know exactly what this phrase means and the implications thereof.
In fact, in some ways revealing the meaning of this phrase feels like a violation in and of itself. I wish I could leave you innocent of its meaning, and I hate to be the one to reveal it to you, but in a way, that’s sort of exactly why you need to know.
A ‘pearl necklace’ is slang for a sex act “in which a man [a person] ejaculates semen on or near the neck or chest of another person. The term originates from the way the deposited semen resembles a necklace of translucent white pearls.” (from Wikipedia - the correction is mine).
So, now you know.
Like with so many of the pieces from this collection, the issue with this ‘greeting’ is once again consent. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the giving, receiving, or talking about ‘pearl necklaces’ between two consenting adults. BUT, opening a conversation with a reference to a sex act says volumes about how the patriarchy has legitimised seeing women as nothing more than objects of sexual gratification, completely stripped of their agency, dignity, and humanity.
This is the literal definition of rape culture.
The most striking element of this piece is the sheer number and weight of pearls used. I dismantled dozens of vintage pearl necklaces in service of this piece, some of which were made from genuine pearls and some merely plastic imitations. The effect is this nubbly, highly-textured, multi-dimensional picture plane which begs to be touched.
Pearls are historically symbols of purity, innocence, femininity, virtue, and "ladylike" behaviour, with connotations of wealth, status, and respectability. The irony of using them to spell out such a crude message speaks to the cognitive dissonance in a message like this - it’s almost a secret code. The implication being that if you don’t know what it means, the sender is ‘safe’ from recrimination, and if you do know, maybe you’re the kind of person who’d be up for it.
This hints at the broader gaslighting inherent in rape culture. The sender gets to feel clever and maintain innocence while the recipient is left questioning whether they're overreacting.
Not to mention the larger implication of the classic madonna/whore dichotomy - be a ‘lady’, but also don’t be frigid. Be pure, but not a prude.
For the background of this piece I used a more subtle, elegant colour palette reminiscent of mother-of-pearl. With the shiny lacquered surface (created by the acrylic resin topcoat) the whole piece shimmers and glows.
This was the most labour-intensive piece of the entire collection, with hundreds and hundreds of pearls being placed by hand, and whilst I was creating it I thought a lot about the work itself - not just my physical labour, but the emotional labour of making this hidden violence visible.
A few weeks after finishing this piece, I saw a clip from a recording of police interview in the 80s. The officers were interrogating a woman who had come in to report being raped earlier that day. Three men loomed over her, demanding to know when she’d last had sex and who with, whether she liked it, what she’d been wearing, why there were so many ‘flowery’ details in her story (she’d mentioned the colour of the towel she’d cleaned herself up with), and on and on and on. They told her that her story was ‘bollocks’, ‘made up’, a ‘fairy tale’.
Forty years on, the situation hasn’t changed much. Exact statistics vary from country to country, year to year, but the vast majority of rapes and other sexual assaults go unreported. And of the ones that are, very few result in a conviction.
Elegance is one of the largest and most beautiful pieces in the collection. It’s not hiding away - it’s right in your face, forcing you to confront the reality of being a woman in the world.
And as with all of the pieces in this collection, it’s framed in the same elevating, glorifying gold, signifying the importance we place on the words of men.
See the rest of the pieces in this collection below.
